The longest week ever.

Well, after we returned home, i felt empty.
I sat on the sofa in pain.
Phsycial pain from the afterpains, and a different kind of pain that i cant describe.
It felt like i had no heart left, that somehow it had been broken into a million pieces and scattered to the wind.
I felt dead myself. No emotions at this point, just hollow.
There was no joyful smiles, no eager family members there to greet us.. arms filled with gifts and balloons like there was before.
Just Me, Mark, My 4 children and my Mum who quickly made her excuses and left.

I knew we had important things to sort out in the next coming days, and i wasnt sure if i could be strong enough to deal with them.
The kids returned to school on the Monday after i came home, and somebody had to go and explain to their class teachers what had happened.
We thought it would be best if they tryed to carry on as normal as possible.

The first thing we had to do was register her death.
It took me 3 days to get enough courage up to go to the registary office.
I had been there many times before... to be married, and to register the births of my other children, but i didnt even comprehend that this place was used for more sombre things than those happy occassions.
We obtained her death certificate and the papers needed to release her body to whichever funeral service we were going to choose.
And that was then the next item in the painful list of things to complete.

As i have mentioned before, leaving Mia at the hospital was the hardest thing iv ever had to do, well i was going to have to do it all again, but this time in a far more permanent way!

We both went to the funeral directors not having a single clue how things worked and what we was expected to do.
We had never imagined having to arrange a funeral for many years to come, and especially not one for a child so small and helpless.
The funeral organiser was very special lady.
She spoke with us for an hour, gave us lots of information and was extremely helpfull.
She in a way made things slightly easier to arrange and made us look at Mia's funeral as something to make speacial just for her... to put all our feelings and emotions into and to do the best we possibly could for her.
It was that way of thinking got me throught the next week, making sure everything would be as perfect as it could be, and everything was soon all set and ready to go!
We also got to see and hold her for one last time, but that made things worse for me as obviously she didnt look like she did the last time i saw her... but im glad we did anyway.

Of course, as the days passed by, i became more unsettled about her funeral approaching.
We had spoke to the vicar who would be taking her service at the church and we had chose the songs we wanted to be played entering and leaving the service.
Once all the arranging was done... thats when it finally hit me what was going to happen.
I had nothing left to concentrate on and to keep my mind occupied and that scared me to death.
We didnt want any help of family or friends... i know it sounds selfish, but she was our daughter and we wanted to do things our way and did what we thought she would have liked.

The morning of her funeral soon arrived.
Her funeral was at 2pm on Friday 31st March held at Fazeley Parish church.
We had our immediate families there, but a few friends and relatives turned up even though we'd expressed we wanted to keep it small.
The service lasted about 20 minutes and for most of it, i could hardly breathe.
Mark had carried her tiny, white coffin into the church and then back out into the baby burial grounds with me and the kids following behind him.
Watching him carrying her out started me off in tears, as i know how hard it must have been for him, but it was something he had said right from the start of the organising that he wanted to do.
In a funny way, i was glad he did manage to do it as it made me feel really proud of him and im sure Mia would have been too!
A little prayer was said for her and she was lowered into her tiny grave to rest now in peace.
Everyone placed a pink carnation on her coffin and the kids had wrote a poem and a letter, each sealed in a little envolope for her at school and so placed those on top too.
Slowly people said their goodbyes and drifted away.
I felt a werid sence of calm as i sat by her graveside for just a couple of minutes longer, comforted by knowing i could still come and visit her any day i wanted and still be close to my daughter.

Even after burrying my girl,
I would still class the hardest part of all of this was leaving her in the hospital.
I now knew she was in heaven watching over us all and any time i wanted to be close to her... i could be.