I am going to start at the beginning of when my experience started.
It was late on Thursday 16th March, and i'd just got into bed after having quite an exhausting day.
I noticed that Monkin (my little name for Mia) had not been her usual self, and hadn't moved for about an hour or so which was highly unusual for her.
I was just so tired that it completely went out of my head as i drifted away into a deep sleep.
Friday 17th March..
It wasn't until the next morning, that i started to get a little nervous about her not moving like she normally did, but as my last 2 children were 'lazy babies' towards the end of my pregnancy, i thought that perhaps she was still asleep or it was normal.
By about 1.30 that afternoon, i was starting to panic as i knew something was wrong with her, and no matter how much i stroked my stomach or jiggled about, still there was no movements.
My husband Mark had been working night shift and was still in bed, and just as i got up to go upstairs to wake him up, to tell him i had to go and get her checked out... he was already up and coming down stairs!
As soon as i told him, we got the kids ready and off we popped to the hospital.
I was 40+4 weeks and was due to be induced in 5 days time anyway.
There was something in the back of my head telling me she had already gone, but we arrived and Mark just dropped me off at the doors and said he would come and pick me up when i was ready as waiting with all 4 children would have been a bit too much for everyone.
We were both expecting me to be out within an hour or so, relieved and a little embarrassed about wasting the midwives time.
I had to wait about half an hour on my own in a quiet, lonely sterile waiting room with all the 'what if's' running through my mind.
After what seemed like hours, a young midwife called my name and i slowly got up and walked towards her.
'What is the problem?' she asked. So i explained to her that i havent felt my baby move for a day.
Off we went to a cubical in the ward where i was told to sit on a chair and get comfy while she went off to get the monitoring equipment.
She came back and hooked me up with the belt around my bump.
Nothing was heard at this point and my heart dropped into my boots, but she seemed sure that the baby was just in an funny position giving me a glimmer of hope, so she decided to get the mobile monitor to try that.
I could feel the tears starting to well up in my eyes, but was desperately hoping that a heart beat or movement would happen while she was gone, and i could go back home.
She returned with the monitor and tryed again for a further 15 minutes.
Still nothing was heard.
She said she would just go and get another midwife to come in and help, but by this time i knew what she was really going off for.
I was taken into a private room and told that as they couldnt find a heart beat, they would get the doctor to come up with the ultrasound scanner.
She said she was really sorry but it looks as though your baby has died and it needs to be confirmed with a scan.
I lay there on the bed in floods of tears that i couldnt control.
I was on my own and all i could think about was how was i going to tell Mark and the kids when he rang that this has happened?
They returned not long after, and asked if i wanted to call anyone to come and be with me.
I rang Marks mobile but i couldn't bring myself to utter the words.
I couldnt even manage to say hello to him.
He was practically shouting at me to speak as he could hear me sobbing and was starting to panic himself.
The midwife took my phone off me and told him the news.
He got his Mum to watch the kids and was at the hospital withing 20 minutes.
He walked into the room with tears in his eyes and came and sat beside me on the bed and we cryed together.
The next step after the conformation scan, was a meeting with the doctor to discuss what we had to do next.
He said that i would have to deliver the baby normally and this made me feel completely numb at the thought of having to go through labour and not having our little girl to take home at the end of it all.
I was asked if i wanted to start it off straight away, or leave it a couple of days.
I chose to go home and come back in first thing the next morning.
I wanted a little time to spend with her before she was taken away from us and i had a few things to get sorted out emotionally to prepare myself before she was born.
When we got home, i was greeted by my children who i think was expecting me back with Mia.
I sat down and explained to them that Mia wouldnt be coming home when mommy 'gets her out' as they kept saying, as she is too poorly and is having a long sleep now before she goes up to heaven to play with the angels.
I had to empty my hospital bag of all the clothes, nappies and things we'd brought to bring her home in and simply put one outfit and one nappy for her in there instead.
Mark went out and got her a special dress for her to wear when she was born.
I didnt sleep at all that night, but i felt a little comfort knowing i could have just one more night at home with her and her family where she belongs.
Saturday 18th March...
I had to ring the hospital at 8.30 am to make sure they had room for me, and it was confirmed i should go in as soon as i felt ready to.
My Mum had come down to look after the children and after getting everything we needed ready, we set off on what i knew would be the worst day of my life.
The hospital staff knew we were coming, so it really helped not having to explain why we were there.
The midwife that was looking after me was very kind and sympathetic, but also very fussy with me always asking if i was alright and making us a million cups of tea.
Of course i wasnt alright...
I was about to be induced to give birth to a daughter i wouldnt be taking home with me!
I didnt want tea, i didnt want sympathy, i didnt want my blood took or people fussing around after me,
I just wanted to be induced and then left alone.
She was very understanding, and gave me the gel to start of my labour.
Things werent moving very fast so i told Mark to go home to make sure the kids were ok as i knew it could take hours for it all to get going.
It was about 2pm and i was only just feeling the contractions.
I remember staring out of the window as all the passers by went on with their buisness and it started snowing!!!
It was such a pretty sight that i started crying again knowing that Mia would never see or get to play in the snow.
Nothing much happened until about 6 o'clock when Mark had come back and the contractions were getting much stronger now.
I was considering having an epidural to numb the physical pain, but decided against it as i wanted to try and keep to my birth plan i had made in the 1st place.
The one thing i was thinking about during the last stages of her birth was that i really didnt want to burst out in tears again the moment she came out.
I wanted it in a way to be a happy moment that i could look back on as the first time in 9 months we met.
Her Birth...
My feelings about a natural a birth as possible completely changed for some reason i can not explain, but by 9 o'clock, i was feeling so scared of the final result that i was making myself sweat and shake with fear and felt like passing out so was given a morphine drip for the pain.
Mia Jayne Allsopp was born at 9.41pm on March 18th 2007 (Mothers Day).
She weighed 6lb 10oz, lots of light brown hair and beautiful blue eyes.
As she was born, she was lifted onto my stomach and instead of crying my eyes out, i just looked at her little face, all pink and wrinkled and smiled with the most overwhelming love id ever felt in the world.
Her tiny little hands were warm to the touch and she just looked normal... as if she was fast asleep, but i hated the fact that this birth was far from normal this time.
We got to bath her and dress her and even put a tiny baby nappy on her (which she didnt need of course, but i felt i wanted her to have it on)
The midwife expressed her condolences and left us to have some time with our girl on our own.
The thing i am so grateful for is the fact that i had to stay overnight in hospital, and Mark had decided it would be best for him to go home and be with the kids, but Mia was allowed to stay in her moses basket on the bed beside me all night.
Again, i didnt sleep a wink for the second night running and not even after sleeping tablets did i feel like sleeping.
Exhuasted.... very,
Emotional... extremely,
But not so to sleep and let her be on her own for a second.
I wasnt going to waste any precious time that i had with her asleep.
Most of the night i just held her close to me, trying to make mental memories of her face, feel and smell.
Sunday 19th March...
Well the next morning came round far too quickly for my liking, and before i knew it, it was 10am and Mark had arrived back with us.
He had brought a lovely, soft pink teddy bear in with him with a little note writen by the kids saying..
'To Mia Monkin our little sister, we love you lots and lots, love Joshua, Sophie, Shannon and Harry xx'.
Well that just broke my heart in pieces again as he mentioned they still thought she would be coming home with me even after we had both tryed to explain that she wouldnt be.
We spend another hour with her and then it was time to say goodbye.
This was THE hardest thing i have and will probably ever have to do and that is no lie!
I was all checked over and free to go when i was ready. But how on earth could anyone ever be 'ready' to let go of something so precious to them?
The midwife came into the room and asked if i was ready now?
Mark held her and said his goodbyes in tears, and then it was my turn....
I couldnt, i really couldnt just turn away and leave her there like that.
I felt hurt like id never felt before as i kissed her cold forehead and handed her over to the midwife.
It was like everything id been through and the bond we had made over the last 9 months.. the morning sickness, the cravings, the first kick, the braxton hicks, her moving when she heard my voice...
was all for nothing.
I walked out of the room in silence and stayed that way until we got into the car and i missed her and wanted her back sooooo badly.
At that moment, I would have gladly given my own life for her to keep her's!
So that was it.
My pregnancy was over, my baby girl had gone!
I felt like giving up myself,
but knew i couldnt because my children needed me!
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