A Jump.

From writing about what happened down in a fortnight just on a couple of pages of text, it doesnt quite seem like enough, and that there's a lot more that i need to add to it,
but i dont quite no how to put the next stages of this down, so maybe i might come back to things a little later on.
The thing i am most noticing at the moment is how quick people seem to forget about it all.
Family and close friends dont talk about her anymore... but im forever thinking of how life should be so different now.... the milestones she would be achieving, the sleepless night i would be suffering with.... cherishing every small moment that comes from being a proud parent again!
Alot of things in everday life makes me more aware of the medical complications that could happen to anybody at any given time.
My friend and neighbour is expecting her 6th child in August, and she has just told me its a little girl.
The insensitivity of her when she mentioned it to me was quite upsetting.
She didnt give a second thought about what we had gone through, and was even joking about giving it away as she has enough to cope with!!
I cant write too much about her here, as the things she has been doing to herself and her unborn child is totally discusting, but i just needed to put it down for my own mental stability.
It makes me feel like a bad person for even knowing what she has been doing and i am seroiusly considering taking action on her.
I'm not exactly close to her, but have know her for many years, and what she is doing is wrong.
It certainly made me think about how lucky i am to already have 4 beautiful, clever little people, that i love to pieces and would never hurt them or put them in danger in any, way, shape or form.
I'm not even sure why i had to write that down, but i did.
It's something that upsets me seeing her everyday with her slowly growing bump and by putting it down on here is like a release from the burden i feel im carrying.

We went down to Mia's grave recently, to tidy it up and remove the old flowers and put fresh one's on, and it made me feel guilty again as we cant afford to buy her a gravestone yet.
We have tryed saving some money each month, but there has always been something.... not more important... but that has a higher priority that has needed the money.
I know its not a necessity that there is one as she has a lovely wooden cross with her name and dob on it, but it would just be nice to have everything done and put in place.
I'm sure it wont be long before we do get to get one, iv already picked the one i like out, so as soon as i find a part time job or we get some spare money... i think i will get it from that!

Should I??????

Talking of working, i have been looking at the college's website again for courses starting in September as Harry will be starting full time education then.
Last year i started a part time Access to Health and Welfare course to become a Registered Nurse and then go on to do the Midwifery diploma.
As i was pregnant, i gave it up just after January, as things got a little bit difficult at home with the child care arrangements and fitting all the studying and house work in.
I have been considering going back and doing this again,
but im not sure whether i will be able to cope in this type of career any more.
I have always wanted to be a nurse since a child, and then after having Joshua, i knew straight away that i wanted to take it further and be a Midwife.
People i have spoke to have said that i would still make a good midwife and now at least i have the experience of what it's like on the other side of things... not just the happy delivering of healthy babies but the sad, unbearable processes and emotions people go through when they unfortunatley miscarry a baby or have a still born little one.
I think its something im going to have to think about a little more before i apply to go back to college, but i do still feel the passion inside that i felt before that i would really like to acomplish it and fulfill my dreams.
I feel mentally i have the time and commitment to put into this and i also still have the support from Mark too.
If things had turned out differently, then i wouldnt even be considering going back to work/college again, but now im having to re-evaluate my lifestyle and adapt it.... which in one sense could turn out well in a funny sort of way.