New directons

Well, things seem to be moving in a new directon for me just lately.
The kids are all back at school now, and in another week, they will all be full time and i'll find myself out of a job i've been doing for 8 years!
Its going to be strange to put it lightly, not having at least one of them around and going back and forth to school 3 times a day... but i feel im more than ready to take on a new kind of challenge.
At first i was so confused as to what i wanted to do with my life and how i was going to achieve it, but having a little time and help to realise my options, things seem to be falling into place slowly but surely.
Now, i know that my destiny and future lies my hands and im the only one that can make things change and happen for the good of us all.
Now i know what i want, and i'm finding ways and means to go about doing these things.. i feel im on the up and finally have something to look forward to, instead of the same old routine we've been stuck in for so long.

I still cant help but feel slightly guilty about being so positive about things. If Mia hadn't died... then things would be so different and i wouldn't even be contemplating half of the idea's i am right now.
But i suppose in a way, im just looking at life differently now and things happen for a reason and so making the most of what you have got is the only way forward!
She would have been 6 months old in 2 days time....
Some days it feels like it only happened yesterday, and some days it seems like it was so far away, but i know I have her near me to guide me in the right directon now and I feel she is at peace within my own mind too, which i have only just began to realise.

So... onwards and upwards is how im going to be from now on.
No doubt i'll come across more boundries and obstacles to overcome.. but at least i have a little friend with me to help!!!!!!!!

How often is too often?

I've been thinking recently about how often people go to visit the graves of their family and loved one's that have passed away.
I feel that i dont go down to see Mia's grave nearly half as much as i would like.
It is only about 20 minutes walk from my house to the Church, but the only time i get to go is when me and Dh go together when we are out on our own.
We have taken the kids down a couple of times, but they dont really understand the whole thing of her actually still being there now, but under the ground... they do associate and remember the place as where Mia was, but its hard to explain it to them as there still so young.
The last time we went down was about a week ago, but before that was the middle of July i think.
Mia is burried in a baby burial garden and i noticed that a lot of the graves aren't more than a couple of years old, but they look untidy and uncared for and some dont even have a gravestone or plaque with a name on it.
I know everybody is different when it comes to grief, and have different circumstances concerning it, but it makes me feel guilty if i havent been down to see her in a couple of weeks at the most.
I used to feel more comforted by knowing she was still close and i could go down any time i needed to... but when i get there, i cant stay for more than 5 minutes without feeling very uncomfortable and nervous. Its like i'm standing there like a statue, not knowing what to do... just staring into space with the feeling that a million people are watching me even though there is nobody else there.
I feel stupid if i sit there and cry, i feel unnatural if i dont, and as much as i'd like to talk to her occassionally... i'd feel embarrassed about doing it especially in front of Dh.
I sometimes think that its pointless even going down to the grave, as i have all my memories, keepsakes and photo's all here with me... but the thought of leaving her there alone in a churchyard rips out my heart!
I've even started to wonder if she notices i've not been down as often and if she misses me as much as i miss her?
There isn't one minute of every day that i dont think about her still or catch a glimpse of her photo on the table, and i know she's always going to be there... watching over us and will stay deep within me, but its just physically going to see her grave that im not happy with!
Should i be going more often, or less often?
Will it help me if i do or dont?
I'm just not sure what is right at the moment.

The Anger Stage

Well its been a while since i've last wrote on here.
Things seem to be getting easier mentally now, it doesnt seem to hurt as much when we or other people talk about my angel, which i suppose i can now understand when people say that time is a healer... which i never thought could happen.
We've had a few upsets with my mother-in-law over photographs of all things.... now this might just be me being over-sensitive but, I have a lovely photograph of Mia in her moses basket wearing the frilly dress we brought for her especially, and the picture i have is the origional photo...
My mil has asked to have a copy of the same photo!
As silly as it may sound, i want that particular picture for myself and i have it in a beautiful frame on my coffee table in our living room and it means a lot to us as it was placed on top of her coffin at her funeral for the service.
Am i being selfish by not letting her have a copy of it?
There are other photo's very similar to it, but she doesn't want one of those as my picture is nicer!!
I was for a while, very reluctant to give anybody a photo of her... i have no idea why, but i still feel like that.
After her having a strop because i refused her the same photo, she has chosen another couple of pictures she wants and what really gets on my nerves is she actually wants 'The' photo's... not copies, she wants my original pictures!
At the hospital, we was advised to get lots of different piccies in different positions, clothes, places to help us remember what short time we had with her and for mil to want to take some of them away from us, upsets me terribly and makes me think she doesn't care about my feelings as she is constantly bringing up the subject every time we speak... which lately is quite rarely.

When i started to write this post, i felt fine about writing down my feelings again, but the more i carry on, the more i realise im deffinately in the 'angry stage' of it all now.
I've not felt the anger at all up until recently, Dh had the anger from the beggining but i had the guilt!
I'm not angry at anyone in particular, most certainly not at Dh or the kids at all, but things other people do or say seem to hit a nerve like they never did before. I dont even know how to explain whats going through my mind apart from I sometimes feel complete hatred for some people at times, and i dont know why?
It just seems to come and go without any warning of it, and it can be the smallest comment or jesture that sets it off.
I'm sure this will soon fade, as did the uncontrolable guilt and crying.
I'm sure i'll be posting again soon, im just not sure how to put it down right now.
And other than just mentioned above, the summer holidays have been great.
I've really enjoyed the kids being here and they have been soooo great and well behaved, even though the weather hasnt been that nice and we've not done a fat lot either!
But im so proud of them all and wish the holidays would last forever.
Weather il be wishing the same thing in a couple of week's... we'll see.

I am

I just wanted to recite a poem that was kindly sent to me by Fazeley church.

I am...the brightest star on a warm summers night,
I am...the first ray of sun at dawn in daylight,
I am...the first white blossom you will see in spring;
The first warm raindrop that April will bring.
I am...the hot salty tears that flow when you weep
and the beautiful dreams that come when you sleep.
I am...the smile you see on a baby's face....
Look for me, I am every place.

A Jump.

From writing about what happened down in a fortnight just on a couple of pages of text, it doesnt quite seem like enough, and that there's a lot more that i need to add to it,
but i dont quite no how to put the next stages of this down, so maybe i might come back to things a little later on.
The thing i am most noticing at the moment is how quick people seem to forget about it all.
Family and close friends dont talk about her anymore... but im forever thinking of how life should be so different now.... the milestones she would be achieving, the sleepless night i would be suffering with.... cherishing every small moment that comes from being a proud parent again!
Alot of things in everday life makes me more aware of the medical complications that could happen to anybody at any given time.
My friend and neighbour is expecting her 6th child in August, and she has just told me its a little girl.
The insensitivity of her when she mentioned it to me was quite upsetting.
She didnt give a second thought about what we had gone through, and was even joking about giving it away as she has enough to cope with!!
I cant write too much about her here, as the things she has been doing to herself and her unborn child is totally discusting, but i just needed to put it down for my own mental stability.
It makes me feel like a bad person for even knowing what she has been doing and i am seroiusly considering taking action on her.
I'm not exactly close to her, but have know her for many years, and what she is doing is wrong.
It certainly made me think about how lucky i am to already have 4 beautiful, clever little people, that i love to pieces and would never hurt them or put them in danger in any, way, shape or form.
I'm not even sure why i had to write that down, but i did.
It's something that upsets me seeing her everyday with her slowly growing bump and by putting it down on here is like a release from the burden i feel im carrying.

We went down to Mia's grave recently, to tidy it up and remove the old flowers and put fresh one's on, and it made me feel guilty again as we cant afford to buy her a gravestone yet.
We have tryed saving some money each month, but there has always been something.... not more important... but that has a higher priority that has needed the money.
I know its not a necessity that there is one as she has a lovely wooden cross with her name and dob on it, but it would just be nice to have everything done and put in place.
I'm sure it wont be long before we do get to get one, iv already picked the one i like out, so as soon as i find a part time job or we get some spare money... i think i will get it from that!

Should I??????

Talking of working, i have been looking at the college's website again for courses starting in September as Harry will be starting full time education then.
Last year i started a part time Access to Health and Welfare course to become a Registered Nurse and then go on to do the Midwifery diploma.
As i was pregnant, i gave it up just after January, as things got a little bit difficult at home with the child care arrangements and fitting all the studying and house work in.
I have been considering going back and doing this again,
but im not sure whether i will be able to cope in this type of career any more.
I have always wanted to be a nurse since a child, and then after having Joshua, i knew straight away that i wanted to take it further and be a Midwife.
People i have spoke to have said that i would still make a good midwife and now at least i have the experience of what it's like on the other side of things... not just the happy delivering of healthy babies but the sad, unbearable processes and emotions people go through when they unfortunatley miscarry a baby or have a still born little one.
I think its something im going to have to think about a little more before i apply to go back to college, but i do still feel the passion inside that i felt before that i would really like to acomplish it and fulfill my dreams.
I feel mentally i have the time and commitment to put into this and i also still have the support from Mark too.
If things had turned out differently, then i wouldnt even be considering going back to work/college again, but now im having to re-evaluate my lifestyle and adapt it.... which in one sense could turn out well in a funny sort of way.

The longest week ever.

Well, after we returned home, i felt empty.
I sat on the sofa in pain.
Phsycial pain from the afterpains, and a different kind of pain that i cant describe.
It felt like i had no heart left, that somehow it had been broken into a million pieces and scattered to the wind.
I felt dead myself. No emotions at this point, just hollow.
There was no joyful smiles, no eager family members there to greet us.. arms filled with gifts and balloons like there was before.
Just Me, Mark, My 4 children and my Mum who quickly made her excuses and left.

I knew we had important things to sort out in the next coming days, and i wasnt sure if i could be strong enough to deal with them.
The kids returned to school on the Monday after i came home, and somebody had to go and explain to their class teachers what had happened.
We thought it would be best if they tryed to carry on as normal as possible.

The first thing we had to do was register her death.
It took me 3 days to get enough courage up to go to the registary office.
I had been there many times before... to be married, and to register the births of my other children, but i didnt even comprehend that this place was used for more sombre things than those happy occassions.
We obtained her death certificate and the papers needed to release her body to whichever funeral service we were going to choose.
And that was then the next item in the painful list of things to complete.

As i have mentioned before, leaving Mia at the hospital was the hardest thing iv ever had to do, well i was going to have to do it all again, but this time in a far more permanent way!

We both went to the funeral directors not having a single clue how things worked and what we was expected to do.
We had never imagined having to arrange a funeral for many years to come, and especially not one for a child so small and helpless.
The funeral organiser was very special lady.
She spoke with us for an hour, gave us lots of information and was extremely helpfull.
She in a way made things slightly easier to arrange and made us look at Mia's funeral as something to make speacial just for her... to put all our feelings and emotions into and to do the best we possibly could for her.
It was that way of thinking got me throught the next week, making sure everything would be as perfect as it could be, and everything was soon all set and ready to go!
We also got to see and hold her for one last time, but that made things worse for me as obviously she didnt look like she did the last time i saw her... but im glad we did anyway.

Of course, as the days passed by, i became more unsettled about her funeral approaching.
We had spoke to the vicar who would be taking her service at the church and we had chose the songs we wanted to be played entering and leaving the service.
Once all the arranging was done... thats when it finally hit me what was going to happen.
I had nothing left to concentrate on and to keep my mind occupied and that scared me to death.
We didnt want any help of family or friends... i know it sounds selfish, but she was our daughter and we wanted to do things our way and did what we thought she would have liked.

The morning of her funeral soon arrived.
Her funeral was at 2pm on Friday 31st March held at Fazeley Parish church.
We had our immediate families there, but a few friends and relatives turned up even though we'd expressed we wanted to keep it small.
The service lasted about 20 minutes and for most of it, i could hardly breathe.
Mark had carried her tiny, white coffin into the church and then back out into the baby burial grounds with me and the kids following behind him.
Watching him carrying her out started me off in tears, as i know how hard it must have been for him, but it was something he had said right from the start of the organising that he wanted to do.
In a funny way, i was glad he did manage to do it as it made me feel really proud of him and im sure Mia would have been too!
A little prayer was said for her and she was lowered into her tiny grave to rest now in peace.
Everyone placed a pink carnation on her coffin and the kids had wrote a poem and a letter, each sealed in a little envolope for her at school and so placed those on top too.
Slowly people said their goodbyes and drifted away.
I felt a werid sence of calm as i sat by her graveside for just a couple of minutes longer, comforted by knowing i could still come and visit her any day i wanted and still be close to my daughter.

Even after burrying my girl,
I would still class the hardest part of all of this was leaving her in the hospital.
I now knew she was in heaven watching over us all and any time i wanted to be close to her... i could be.

Where to start?

Well, the title of this post says it all really.

I am going to start at the beginning of when my experience started.



It was late on Thursday 16th March, and i'd just got into bed after having quite an exhausting day.
I noticed that Monkin (my little name for Mia) had not been her usual self, and hadn't moved for about an hour or so which was highly unusual for her.
I was just so tired that it completely went out of my head as i drifted away into a deep sleep.

Friday 17th March..

It wasn't until the next morning, that i started to get a little nervous about her not moving like she normally did, but as my last 2 children were 'lazy babies' towards the end of my pregnancy, i thought that perhaps she was still asleep or it was normal.



By about 1.30 that afternoon, i was starting to panic as i knew something was wrong with her, and no matter how much i stroked my stomach or jiggled about, still there was no movements.

My husband Mark had been working night shift and was still in bed, and just as i got up to go upstairs to wake him up, to tell him i had to go and get her checked out... he was already up and coming down stairs!



As soon as i told him, we got the kids ready and off we popped to the hospital.
I was 40+4 weeks and was due to be induced in 5 days time anyway.
There was something in the back of my head telling me she had already gone, but we arrived and Mark just dropped me off at the doors and said he would come and pick me up when i was ready as waiting with all 4 children would have been a bit too much for everyone.
We were both expecting me to be out within an hour or so, relieved and a little embarrassed about wasting the midwives time.
I had to wait about half an hour on my own in a quiet, lonely sterile waiting room with all the 'what if's' running through my mind.

After what seemed like hours, a young midwife called my name and i slowly got up and walked towards her.
'What is the problem?' she asked. So i explained to her that i havent felt my baby move for a day.
Off we went to a cubical in the ward where i was told to sit on a chair and get comfy while she went off to get the monitoring equipment.
She came back and hooked me up with the belt around my bump.

Nothing was heard at this point and my heart dropped into my boots, but she seemed sure that the baby was just in an funny position giving me a glimmer of hope, so she decided to get the mobile monitor to try that.
I could feel the tears starting to well up in my eyes, but was desperately hoping that a heart beat or movement would happen while she was gone, and i could go back home.
She returned with the monitor and tryed again for a further 15 minutes.

Still nothing was heard.

She said she would just go and get another midwife to come in and help, but by this time i knew what she was really going off for.
I was taken into a private room and told that as they couldnt find a heart beat, they would get the doctor to come up with the ultrasound scanner.
She said she was really sorry but it looks as though your baby has died and it needs to be confirmed with a scan.

I lay there on the bed in floods of tears that i couldnt control.
I was on my own and all i could think about was how was i going to tell Mark and the kids when he rang that this has happened?

They returned not long after, and asked if i wanted to call anyone to come and be with me.
I rang Marks mobile but i couldn't bring myself to utter the words.
I couldnt even manage to say hello to him.
He was practically shouting at me to speak as he could hear me sobbing and was starting to panic himself.

The midwife took my phone off me and told him the news.
He got his Mum to watch the kids and was at the hospital withing 20 minutes.
He walked into the room with tears in his eyes and came and sat beside me on the bed and we cryed together.


The next step after the conformation scan, was a meeting with the doctor to discuss what we had to do next.
He said that i would have to deliver the baby normally and this made me feel completely numb at the thought of having to go through labour and not having our little girl to take home at the end of it all.

I was asked if i wanted to start it off straight away, or leave it a couple of days.
I chose to go home and come back in first thing the next morning.
I wanted a little time to spend with her before she was taken away from us and i had a few things to get sorted out emotionally to prepare myself before she was born.



When we got home, i was greeted by my children who i think was expecting me back with Mia.
I sat down and explained to them that Mia wouldnt be coming home when mommy 'gets her out' as they kept saying, as she is too poorly and is having a long sleep now before she goes up to heaven to play with the angels.

I had to empty my hospital bag of all the clothes, nappies and things we'd brought to bring her home in and simply put one outfit and one nappy for her in there instead.
Mark went out and got her a special dress for her to wear when she was born.

I didnt sleep at all that night, but i felt a little comfort knowing i could have just one more night at home with her and her family where she belongs.



Saturday 18th March...

I had to ring the hospital at 8.30 am to make sure they had room for me, and it was confirmed i should go in as soon as i felt ready to.

My Mum had come down to look after the children and after getting everything we needed ready, we set off on what i knew would be the worst day of my life.
The hospital staff knew we were coming, so it really helped not having to explain why we were there.

The midwife that was looking after me was very kind and sympathetic, but also very fussy with me always asking if i was alright and making us a million cups of tea.
Of course i wasnt alright...

I was about to be induced to give birth to a daughter i wouldnt be taking home with me!

I didnt want tea, i didnt want sympathy, i didnt want my blood took or people fussing around after me,
I just wanted to be induced and then left alone.

She was very understanding, and gave me the gel to start of my labour.
Things werent moving very fast so i told Mark to go home to make sure the kids were ok as i knew it could take hours for it all to get going.

It was about 2pm and i was only just feeling the contractions.
I remember staring out of the window as all the passers by went on with their buisness and it started snowing!!!
It was such a pretty sight that i started crying again knowing that Mia would never see or get to play in the snow.
Nothing much happened until about 6 o'clock when Mark had come back and the contractions were getting much stronger now.
I was considering having an epidural to numb the physical pain, but decided against it as i wanted to try and keep to my birth plan i had made in the 1st place.

The one thing i was thinking about during the last stages of her birth was that i really didnt want to burst out in tears again the moment she came out.
I wanted it in a way to be a happy moment that i could look back on as the first time in 9 months we met.

Her Birth...

My feelings about a natural a birth as possible completely changed for some reason i can not explain, but by 9 o'clock, i was feeling so scared of the final result that i was making myself sweat and shake with fear and felt like passing out so was given a morphine drip for the pain.
Mia Jayne Allsopp was born at 9.41pm on March 18th 2007 (Mothers Day).
She weighed 6lb 10oz, lots of light brown hair and beautiful blue eyes.
As she was born, she was lifted onto my stomach and instead of crying my eyes out, i just looked at her little face, all pink and wrinkled and smiled with the most overwhelming love id ever felt in the world.
Her tiny little hands were warm to the touch and she just looked normal... as if she was fast asleep, but i hated the fact that this birth was far from normal this time.
We got to bath her and dress her and even put a tiny baby nappy on her (which she didnt need of course, but i felt i wanted her to have it on)
The midwife expressed her condolences and left us to have some time with our girl on our own.

The thing i am so grateful for is the fact that i had to stay overnight in hospital, and Mark had decided it would be best for him to go home and be with the kids, but Mia was allowed to stay in her moses basket on the bed beside me all night.
Again, i didnt sleep a wink for the second night running and not even after sleeping tablets did i feel like sleeping.
Exhuasted.... very,
Emotional... extremely,
But not so to sleep and let her be on her own for a second.
I wasnt going to waste any precious time that i had with her asleep.
Most of the night i just held her close to me, trying to make mental memories of her face, feel and smell.

Sunday 19th March...

Well the next morning came round far too quickly for my liking, and before i knew it, it was 10am and Mark had arrived back with us.
He had brought a lovely, soft pink teddy bear in with him with a little note writen by the kids saying..
'To Mia Monkin our little sister, we love you lots and lots, love Joshua, Sophie, Shannon and Harry xx'.
Well that just broke my heart in pieces again as he mentioned they still thought she would be coming home with me even after we had both tryed to explain that she wouldnt be.
We spend another hour with her and then it was time to say goodbye.

This was THE hardest thing i have and will probably ever have to do and that is no lie!
I was all checked over and free to go when i was ready. But how on earth could anyone ever be 'ready' to let go of something so precious to them?
The midwife came into the room and asked if i was ready now?
Mark held her and said his goodbyes in tears, and then it was my turn....
I couldnt, i really couldnt just turn away and leave her there like that.

I felt hurt like id never felt before as i kissed her cold forehead and handed her over to the midwife.
It was like everything id been through and the bond we had made over the last 9 months.. the morning sickness, the cravings, the first kick, the braxton hicks, her moving when she heard my voice...
was all for nothing.
I walked out of the room in silence and stayed that way until we got into the car and i missed her and wanted her back sooooo badly.
At that moment, I would have gladly given my own life for her to keep her's!

So that was it.
My pregnancy was over, my baby girl had gone!
I felt like giving up myself,
but knew i couldnt because my children needed me!